random thoughts...

I've never been good at the face to face things. I wish I was..but I was never able to put my thought into words. writing them down was so much more easier.




I wasn't always grammatically correct in my writings either (something that was pointed out to me) but they got the point across and I almost wish I kept some of them.



Writing things down made things more clearer to me, it was a easy way to organzie my thoughts. Although I have to admit that some writings are more of a rambling than anything else.







I found my old journals the other day, and realized that there was one missing. It was the one that was filled mainly with "him". Him being the man who I was head over in heels in love with, but who I was sure didn't feel the same way. He was one of my closest friends at the point and probably the only person to this day with whom I had a very intenste connection with. I knew why it was missing. He had read it one night. Locked himself in my bathroom and read it. I should hate him for doing that. I should have kicked him out of my house that night for disrescpecting my privacy like that. I should have done a lot of things, but instead, I felt relief. Relief that he finally knew how I really felt. I'm almost postive I wrote in there that I was in love with him. I can't go back and check it because I burned it after what happened.


Of course I wrote him a letter...a letter basically saying that I know he feels the same but he was to broken to admit it...blah blah blah. I think I may have gotten some of it from a Dawson's creek episode.


Of course it didn't work. I had my heart handed to me on a platter as he ripped into me. Pretty much calling a pyscho and every other name he knew would hurt me. It was not pretty. The sadness paved the way to anger and bitterness. I went on with my life and started over. I found different guys to occupy my mind. However not a day passed that I didn't think of him. I fooled myself into thinking that I cared for others, but I never commited to anyone. There was a part of me that was still hoping for that "fairytell" where the guy realizes he loves the girl and shows up at her house with a boombox blasting "In your eyes" or something like that. Seasons changed and I found myself thinking less of him. It was still every day, but it wound up being once a day instead of mutliple times durning the day.

One cold december night, my brother came up to my room to tell me that "he" was at the door. I ran down the stairs shocked and my heart nearly stopped. There he was, looking excatly as he had looked in my dreams. He had aged some, but still looked beautiful. It took every single ounce of strength I had not to react to seeing him. A part of me wanted to throw my arms around him and hug him, while another part of me just wanted to beat the shit out of him. Instead I said 'What the hell are you doing here?" His response were the words I longed to hear, "I'm sorry. You were right, about everything and I'm sorry"

I was right?

I was right?

What was I right about??? That he was so caught up in his own heartbreak he didn't see me standing there? That he was so afraid of getting hurt that he wouldn't admit his feelings for me? What was I right about?????

He asked me to go to a local diner with him. I would have much rather stayed at my house and talked but he was clearly uncomfortable...having not been there in some time.

I can't remember our talk at the diner. Me, who remembers everything seems to have blocked out a lot of memories with him. I remember we agreed to go to the movies....and to this day the movie we saw together remains one of my favorites. We saw Family Man with Nic Cage and part of the reason why it is my favorite is because I saw it with him........

Unfortantly our renioun didn't last long. He wasn't ready for anything and I was uncapable of being just friends with him. I know that sounds awful, but being friends with someone whom you loved that much is pretty tricky. I didn't want to fall back into the best friend role and sit back and watch him date. The idea of him with other women was just to much for me, even though I had no right to be jealous I soo was. I let him go that time. We talked every now and then...and he was there for me on Sept 11th after I finally got home from Jersey City. He was there for me after my father died, and I wish I would have called him sooner.... but after that we grew apart.......

Again, I thought of him often. I wondered what happened to him, if he was happy....if he missed me. I thought of him more often than I should. Especially once I began dating someone exclusively. I thought of him the night before my wedding and cried for what could have been in a different time and place.

Welcome to the world of blogging...

Well I'm new to this blogging site and still trying to figure out how to spruce up my page..so any advice would be greatly appreciated!!